My Words Wednesday (because today is just the day that I needed to write this)

Lately I have been struggling with the growing list of things that Asher cannot yet do.  He cannot:

- hold a pencil the correct way
- fully get dressed by himself
- swim
- go in the big pool without freaking out, for that matter
- skate
- poop in the potty on a consistent basis
- go to the potty by himself
- participate in one soccer class where you actually have to run and kick the ball
- go to a movie at the theatre without crying

Each time I hear my friends talk about their children doing this new thing, or that new thing, I instantly feel worry in the pit of my stomach.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends.  I think it's great how some kids can so easily pick up certain skills.  It's just Asher is not really like that, especially when it comes to motor skills.  I always have the feeling like Asher will someday get to school and everyone will be so shocked at how much he developmentally cannot do, and I'll get this really worrisome phone call from his teacher; "Hello, Mrs. Lawson, about Asher.  You've done a terrible job and he won't be ready for Kindergarten for another 13 years".   Or something like that.

Because here's the thing.  That worry that I have, it's about Asher, for sure it's about Asher.  Some of the things on that list are like kinda basics that he does need to learn in order to do life.  Pooping in your underwear is kinda weird when you're more than 35 pounds.  Maybe it still even is when you are 35 pounds.

But that worry, it's also about me.  Do I really suck that much at this mothering thing?  Am I that lame that I can't even help my child to learn to get dressed?  He's 3 and a half years old!  It's not like I don't have every day, twice a day (or more depending on how the pooping in the potty is going that day) to practice!

And even further, what does that say about me as a person?  Asher's list of things he cannot do, many days, that feels like my list of failures.  Ways that I don't measure up.

And I really don't want Asher to feel that.  I never want him to think that all I see is the things he can't do.  I never want him to think that he doesn't measure up.  It's just that sometimes staring at that list that I write over and over in my head, it's hard to remember to see his light too.  I know it's there, I just can't always see it.  And that's my issue.

Then today happened.  Don't get me wrong, today sucked on many, many accounts.  I hardly slept last night because of a sick (teething?) baby.  I didn't get done half of the things that were on my list because of aforementioned clingy, cranky, sick (teething?) baby.  I raised my voice in situations where I wished I hadn't.  I ignored cries that I wish I had of responded to.  I plunked boys in front of the TV out of desperation for a moments quiet.  In many ways, my list of failures is long from today.

But at lunch time the Holy Spirit visited my house and something beautiful began to change.

You see I was searching YouTube for a certain children's song about prayer for our Sunday School program at church that I help to coordinate.  I'm trying to learn the words so I can teach it to our church's children this week.  Asher saw that videos were running on my computer and hoped up to watch with me.  As we were watching, I looked over at my goldfish-eating boy and just out of nowhere I started to tell him:

"Asher you know what?"

"What Mama?"

"You know God made you special, little boy.  He made you just the way you are on purpose.  You are so very special, everything about you is special.  God thinks that and I think that too."

(No real response as Asher continues to munch on his goldfish crackers).

"And did you know that God sent you as a special gift to our family?  He chose you just for us, and gave you as a special gift to Papa and I.  And I'm so glad He did that.  Everyday, I'm so glad he gave you to us as a special gift.  You are a very special little boy to me."

"Okay Mama."

In this moment I'm speaking very simply to Asher; it's not some big pivotal conversation we're having.  I just say it, as the Holy Spirit (very thankfully) prompts me to, from time to time, and he just keeps eating his goldfish crackers. 

But once those words start coming out of my mouth, something changes in me.  I get teary.  I feel light and sure of my words.  I feel His presence speaking Truth to Asher, to me.  I feel Him speaking through me.  My words speaking to Asher, but His words speaking to me too.  Asher doesn't seem too struck by what I'm saying, but I am.  God speaking to me exactly what I needed to hear; that Asher is so very special.  He has gifts and talents that I can't even begin to imagine.  He was created with a purpose and he is a blessing.  I am lucky to get to uncover those special gifts and talents along with him.  I feel blessed.  I know He is guiding our family, helping to raise these boys, and helping me to be the kind of mother they need me to be.  All of a sudden that list from earlier doesn't seem so important anymore.



A few hours later, Levi is crying on my lap as I sit on the floor with him.  I notice Asher watching us as I cuddle and comfort Levi.  Intuitively, I open my arms and say, "I've got room on my lap for 2 boys, Asher, come on over."  He instantly runs to my arms.

Levi settles.  We all look at each other.  Asher smiles and says to me, "We're your special presents, right Mama?"

"Of course you are, sweet boy.  You and Levi are both my special gifts."



I have a feeling I won't have such a hard time remembering anymore, Asher.