I feel like in my heart there are words that want to come out, but I don't know what they are, or how to find them. I don't know how to be much more than a mom and a housekeeper these days, it seems.
What I do want to say is that life has been tough these days, in my own little world. There are cracks forming in parts of my life that were smooth and comfortable. I don't like this.
I am not always the mom I want to be. I lose my patience, I raise my voice, I am short-tempered, I tune-out, I am frustrated, and I respond out of that place. Things that I thought I knew, I all of a sudden don't. The job of mothering is so much harder than I ever knew possible. It takes all of me, and then still requires more, even when I don't have it to give. I somehow have to dig energy and care and infinite patience out of somewhere and put my best face on. These kids deserve it, but I don't always have it.
In my spirit I am struggling big time with envy. It's breaking me. Envy over how quickly and early some other kids seem to potty train and crawl and sleep through the night. Envy over things that other people have that I think I need. Envy over relationships, time, money, looks, trips, houses ... the list goes on. My pastors sermon message this week on entitlement really hit home - I know this is an issue for me. I'm trying to be thankful and grateful and keep in perspective all the blessings I do have, but envy is still living inside of me. I try to keep it under control, but it's cracking through the exterior.
I'm tired. I have bad days. This is one of them.
