My heart asked me to write this post a long time ago, but I never wrote it. I think I knew the timing wasn't right. I needed to wait until this time, this moment to write what I needed to say. I needed to wait until the feelings were raw and real and present and demanding to be expressed. And for now, for this one time, I choose to release my filters; this post will be about the real words and the real truth of what I need to express, if for no one else but myself and my family.
Yesterday we found out the gender of our new baby. It's funny because a part of me has always known who this person would be, who this person is. I think God has been talking to me about this for a while, challenging my assumptions and beliefs, shaking up what I think I want, need, or "should" have. And I'm so glad He brought me on this journey, because I can honestly say that I feel so blessed to just get to have 2 healthy babies; nothing else matters. There have been numerous times where I doubted this would even happen for us. After losing one baby, and the threat of losing this one, I know that this gift is a miracle, and I will always chose to see it that way.
And that dear friends, is why I'd love for you to know that this little miracle still growing inside my belly right now is a beautiful baby boy. Another boy! A brother for Asher! And I couldn't be happier.
The instant I found out that he was a he, I cried. It's always exciting to learn the gender of your baby - whether it's when the baby is born, or early like we've chosen to do. I love my little boy Asher so much that it strains my heart sometimes to have to contain it all. Knowing that I would have another little boy to love like this brought such joy. I've come to learn that there's something really special about a mother-son relationship, and I'm lucky enough to get that twice.
If I'm being honest though, in the few minutes after hearing our news, I felt a bit of something bubbling up that I wasn't quite sure of. It felt something like sadness, but not quite. It was like a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat trying to jump out at the same time. It was only after I sat with it for a while, and let some of those tears come through that I realized it. I did feel sadness, but not because I was sad we're having a boy. I felt sadness because I know that many people in my life, my family included, value having girls. Many people seem to think that not having a girl is a loss. Many people seem to think that a perfect family is having both sons and daughters. People always seem to want the second baby to be a different gender than the first, and somehow it's a shame if that's not what life gives you. In that moment I realized that what I would hate is seeing that little look of pity and sadness that would show for a flash second in people's eyes when I told them our baby is a boy. I hate to think that will happen - but I know it will.
And I used to be that person, I used to feel that same way, thinking I needed to have a girl and a boy in order to be satisfied. It's something that seems to flow through our culture. Many people have commented to me, "You must be hoping for a girl this time around?" And I've heard so many people say, in so many different ways, that they were "lucky enough" to have one of each. This kind of mindset leads us all to believe that we're somehow "unlucky", or missing something, if that's not what life gives us. And I don't believe that to be true for a second - I know I am blessed just by the sheer joy of getting to love 2 children. And I believe that God knew exactly who was meant to join our family, who our family needed to be complete, so why wouldn't I rejoice in that?
I wonder if part of it has to do with gender stereotypes. There are so many out there that it's hard not to have adopted some of them of our own. Boys are active and get into more trouble. Girls are easier to potty train and talk earlier. Girls are more emotional, etc, etc.
What really gets me is when people start making assumptions about future relationships based on gender. Girls are so nice because you'll have someone to go shopping with. Seriously, what? This one gets my goat the most. Do people really have kids to have a future shopping buddy? And if this is true, no one told my 16-year old brother, who seasonally asks me, and only me, to go shopping with him.
The one that has bothered me, and perhaps worried me, the most is when someone said to me that girls you get to keep forever, whereas with boys you have to let them go. Hearing this early on when I was pregnant with Asher had a big impact on me, and perhaps even more so because many of the grown men I know are not close with their mothers. I'm not sure many of the grown women I know are necessarily close to their mothers either, but whatever the case, I don't want this for my relationships with my sons.
In these moments I'm reminded that the future outcome of my relationship with my children has nothing to do with their gender. Remember that Jesus was very close to His mother throughout His life? My future relationship with my children will be an expression of how I relate to them as children, how I teach and model family values, and how I chose to value and engage with them as adults. This truth I can rely on.
So friends and readers, whether you fall into the camp that believes the perfect family needs a boy and a girl, or not, please know that this is not how I feel. Whatever expression or emotion is revealed in your eyes when hearing this news, know that there will be a twinkle in mine. And that twinkle comes from knowing that our family is exactly as it should be - full of boys for me to love!
Now onto the real dilemma - finding another boys name that I love as much as Asher!
9 comments:
HOORAY!!!! I say this for 2 reasons:
1. I know your heart and how much you love your little boy...so naturally having another one is going to be awesome! I'm super pumped...I can't wait to meet him, even though he'll probably be 1 before I do :) There's no let down in these eyes, I would be excited either way as I said before.
2. I knew this post was coming...not because you told me but because of conversations we've had, things I've seen and heard others say to you, just a gut feeling, etc. I'm so thankful you expressed what's on your heart friend! You're right it doesn't matter. God does know what is best for your family and will bless you all with that. Oh and Jason LOVES to go shopping way more than me AND I'm so not close to my mother so there you go...I'll blow those two stupid stereotypes for you. You know how much I hate gender stereotypes, especially with the recent paper that you read of mine. Society puts a lot of pressure on genders. It's really sad sitting across from the gay males I do, and hearing all of the hurtful things that have been said to them by people that love them because of how they "should" be. I'll end this now because I need to get to school....but do know this before I go....LOVE YOUR HEART FRIEND AND YOU SO MUCH!
I actually always hope that people will have another of the same gender. Brothers tend to be closer than brother and sister or vice versa (of course it's not always the truth) I'm glad that you are having another boy, I thought that was the case until I saw the ultrasound picture. You probably already have a baby names book but this site is pretty good. http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com/
Great post babe, honesty is always a good read.
Sometimes our quest to have what society wants we overlook the happiness of having what our unique hearts "need". I never tried to guess or hope for any gender because I knew only God could ever figure out that "need" for US. This is why first learning we were having another baby was the peak of the excitement for me because I knew it was going to be another uniquely created gift for me from God. Learning it was a boy just made that more tangible.
2 boys = MAJOR happiness in my heart & life!
Welcome to a wonderful world!
congratulations! what wonderful news! your post reminds of a time when i was at the mall with the girls..samantha had a baby blue jacket on and an older man stopped and said, "awe the perfect family, a girl and a boy" i just said, "actually it's two girls." i think he was pretty embarrassed as he should..i love that i had two of a kind!! I also remember when sammy was born we told the nurse that we were surprised because we thought it was going to be a boy...she looked at us and said, "well girls are nice too"...of course they are!! they thought we were disappointed which we absolutely were not just surprised!
Good for you for being happy with what God is giving you. All children are a gift from God!! congrats again..happy for you guys. We have a longer wait time to find out what our third will be since we'll be waiting again until the end
I think that's the most beautiful thing I have ever read.
We agree, we always wanted 2 girls (or 2 boys had Tara been a boy). I'm certain one of each is great for those that have that too, but 2 children of the same sex will hopefully have such a great relationship. Already we can see that in Tara and Brooke! We're very excited another boy will be evening things up around here! There are enough emotions on our side for all to share!
Congrats, Mandi.
We have three amazing boys...perfect for our family! There is no void for a girl infact I think I'd take another boy :) But God always knows what will work for a family...thank goodness His wisdom is greater than ours. Have fun!
Mari Lynn
Thanks for your words of encouragement and support everyone. It means a lot to me. We continue to be super pumped about having another boy! I especially feel glad for Asher. I think the boys have the potential of having a lot in common, and that's awesome.
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