A letter to my son on his 4th birthday

Asher, I know I say this every year, but I simply cannot believe that you are 4-years old!  Wow, 4 years ago today you came into this world as a tiny 7lb 6oz baby boy.  Even though you have grown so much since then, I am struck by just how little you are in so many ways.

Today I was looking back at pictures of your previous birthdays, and I was shocked at just how little you were.  At the time, I remember thinking the opposite; you have seemed so big to me at each birthday.  (Nothing is more true than that today!)  When Levi was born, I thought you were such a big boy at 27 months old, and now I see that you were so small still.  A chubbier version of the same long and slender boy I see today.  This idea of being big in some ways, and still so small in others, is an accurate picture of you right now.

Today you said "Mama, Cranky (the crane) swang Spencer (the train) and he fell off!".  I love your grammatical mistakes because they remind me that you are still small, and still learning.  Yet you speak and pronunciate so well (this fact stood out to me today when you said "decrescendo" in music class).  You are beginning to spell and read some simple words, and one of your favorite games to play is to pick a letter and we say all the words we can think of that start with that letter.  Such a big boy, putting together so many complex ideas and making sense of it all.  Yet such a small boy who still struggles with printing and holding a pencil properly (you always have a tough time with those new motor skills).

Your memory astounds me for someone your age.  You know the names of familiar streets and point this out to me regularly.  I told you once the name of a girl we know who lives on Ryan Road, and now every time we are there, you remind me of this fact.  You can remember the names of every Thomas the train ever created, and you can practically recite word for word some of your favorite books.  You have known your phone number for such a long time, and even though we don't practice it very often, you always remember it when I ask you.  And yet, you forget your own middle name all the time.  I can just hear you saying "I don't know" whenever I ask you that question.  You also have difficulty "remembering" that you're not supposed to push your brother.  (I fear that has more to do with not getting what you want than a memory problem!).  Big and small, all at the same time.

This year you have loved going to Story Time at the library (LOVED story time!).  You are finally big enough to be going by yourself to the class, without me being in the room with you.  You still need an adult reading to you, though.  You love to pretend, and act out many scenarios with little conversations between trains.  You love playing your leap pad and can figure out some of the games quicker than I can, already charting graphs and solving problems.  In music class you can "read" all the beginning music notes we've learned, as well as sing and play them. Today our music teacher said you were keeping the beat on your drum to one of our songs.  Big and small, all at the same time.

You have just recently finally made the transition to having your swim lessons in the big pool at the Y.  You were too big to stay in the small pool, and too small to stay in the big pool without an adult.  It seems that in just the past month you have finally felt comfortable to stay in the big pool, but only through pretending with Papa to be a plow or an airplane.  Levi and I have been up in the big window watching you, and you look so tiny in that large pool.  Big and small, all at the same time.

You are a master deal-maker, Asher.  Every day I hear from you "I have an idea Mama, how about... does that sound like a good deal?"  You are always negotiating and compromising, giving your side of the argument, and asking for what you want.  You are too little to be that good at deal-making, Asher!

You continue to be a reserved and sensitive boy.  You don't like bouncy castles or slides.  Going to the dentist this year was an ordeal, to say the least.  New experiences leave you clammed up and glued to my side, usually saying "I don't like it!".  You want your Mama when you are scared or sad or hurting or unsure.  You may seem too big to wrestle with some of these things, but you are still too little to yet understand that taking risks is necessary for growth and development in life.  I hope I can help you to trust yourself, trust your gut, and trust God with all you do.  I hope I can also help you to learn to challenge yourself to just try something new, even if it feels scary.  Risks are necessary in life sometimes, little boy, and sometimes when you try you learn that it wasn't so scary after all.

This year you were too little to have your best friend move away, and to lose a grandparent, but both of those things happened.  Trying to explain to you the tough stuff of life in a way that you could understand was hard.  But you are smart when it comes to these things, Asher, and I believe you understand that even though we can't be with the people we love, they are always with us in our hearts.  We can call on their memories, their love for us, and their bravery when we need it and that can give us strength, love, courage.  When I ask you where Pops is, you say that he is in heaven with Jesus.  Such a small boy, already faced with such big challenges. 

One of my favorite memories from this year is the week we spent renting a trailer at a camp ground near the ocean.  The moment you saw the beach you exclaimed "Oh look Mama, it's the wonderful beach!"  You called it the "wonderful beach" all week.  I guess you didn't feel as wonderful about the first Christmas concert we went to this year, because about half way through it you fell asleep, and missed the rest of the show.  This year you also mastered peeing on the potty (finally!), dropped your afternoon nap, flew on an airplane for the first time, went inside a real train and firetruck, learned several bible memory verses by heart, went ice skating, bowling, and to a movie in the theatre for the first time, put together real Lego, and grew 2 clothes sizes. 

So Asher, while it's true that this year you have been too big for some things, and too small for others, you have still been able to have fun, experience wonder, laugh, be silly, learn, cuddle, and love; all of the important things in my mind.  And I hope you always know that no matter where you go in life, or what others think, to me you are not too big, or too small; to me you are just right.

all my love,
your Mama