My heart asked me to write this post a long time ago, but I never wrote it. I think I knew the timing wasn't right. I needed to wait until this time, this moment to write what I needed to say. I needed to wait until the feelings were raw and real and present and demanding to be expressed. And for now, for this one time, I choose to release my filters; this post will be about the real words and the real truth of what I need to express, if for no one else but myself and my family.
Yesterday we found out the gender of our new baby. It's funny because a part of me has always known who this person would be, who this person is. I think God has been talking to me about this for a while, challenging my assumptions and beliefs, shaking up what I think I want, need, or "should" have. And I'm so glad He brought me on this journey, because I can honestly say that I feel so blessed to just get to have 2 healthy babies; nothing else matters. There have been numerous times where I doubted this would even happen for us. After losing one baby, and the threat of losing this one, I know that this gift is a miracle, and I will always chose to see it that way.
And that dear friends, is why I'd love for you to know that this little miracle still growing inside my belly right now is a beautiful baby boy. Another boy! A brother for Asher! And I couldn't be happier.
The instant I found out that he was a he, I cried. It's always exciting to learn the gender of your baby - whether it's when the baby is born, or early like we've chosen to do. I love my little boy Asher so much that it strains my heart sometimes to have to contain it all. Knowing that I would have another little boy to love like this brought such joy. I've come to learn that there's something really special about a mother-son relationship, and I'm lucky enough to get that twice.
If I'm being honest though, in the few minutes after hearing our news, I felt a bit of something bubbling up that I wasn't quite sure of. It felt something like sadness, but not quite. It was like a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat trying to jump out at the same time. It was only after I sat with it for a while, and let some of those tears come through that I realized it. I did feel sadness, but not because I was sad we're having a boy. I felt sadness because I know that many people in my life, my family included, value having girls. Many people seem to think that not having a girl is a loss. Many people seem to think that a perfect family is having both sons and daughters. People always seem to want the second baby to be a different gender than the first, and somehow it's a shame if that's not what life gives you. In that moment I realized that what I would hate is seeing that little look of pity and sadness that would show for a flash second in people's eyes when I told them our baby is a boy. I hate to think that will happen - but I know it will.
And I used to be that person, I used to feel that same way, thinking I needed to have a girl and a boy in order to be satisfied. It's something that seems to flow through our culture. Many people have commented to me, "You must be hoping for a girl this time around?" And I've heard so many people say, in so many different ways, that they were "lucky enough" to have one of each. This kind of mindset leads us all to believe that we're somehow "unlucky", or missing something, if that's not what life gives us. And I don't believe that to be true for a second - I know I am blessed just by the sheer joy of getting to love 2 children. And I believe that God knew exactly who was meant to join our family, who our family needed to be complete, so why wouldn't I rejoice in that?
I wonder if part of it has to do with gender stereotypes. There are so many out there that it's hard not to have adopted some of them of our own. Boys are active and get into more trouble. Girls are easier to potty train and talk earlier. Girls are more emotional, etc, etc.
What really gets me is when people start making assumptions about future relationships based on gender. Girls are so nice because you'll have someone to go shopping with. Seriously, what? This one gets my goat the most. Do people really have kids to have a future shopping buddy? And if this is true, no one told my 16-year old brother, who seasonally asks me, and only me, to go shopping with him.
The one that has bothered me, and perhaps worried me, the most is when someone said to me that girls you get to keep forever, whereas with boys you have to let them go. Hearing this early on when I was pregnant with Asher had a big impact on me, and perhaps even more so because many of the grown men I know are not close with their mothers. I'm not sure many of the grown women I know are necessarily close to their mothers either, but whatever the case, I don't want this for my relationships with my sons.
In these moments I'm reminded that the future outcome of my relationship with my children has nothing to do with their gender. Remember that Jesus was very close to His mother throughout His life? My future relationship with my children will be an expression of how I relate to them as children, how I teach and model family values, and how I chose to value and engage with them as adults. This truth I can rely on.
So friends and readers, whether you fall into the camp that believes the perfect family needs a boy and a girl, or not, please know that this is not how I feel. Whatever expression or emotion is revealed in your eyes when hearing this news, know that there will be a twinkle in mine. And that twinkle comes from knowing that our family is exactly as it should be - full of boys for me to love!
Now onto the real dilemma - finding another boys name that I love as much as Asher!
