A letter to my son on his 4th birthday

Asher, I know I say this every year, but I simply cannot believe that you are 4-years old!  Wow, 4 years ago today you came into this world as a tiny 7lb 6oz baby boy.  Even though you have grown so much since then, I am struck by just how little you are in so many ways.

Today I was looking back at pictures of your previous birthdays, and I was shocked at just how little you were.  At the time, I remember thinking the opposite; you have seemed so big to me at each birthday.  (Nothing is more true than that today!)  When Levi was born, I thought you were such a big boy at 27 months old, and now I see that you were so small still.  A chubbier version of the same long and slender boy I see today.  This idea of being big in some ways, and still so small in others, is an accurate picture of you right now.

Today you said "Mama, Cranky (the crane) swang Spencer (the train) and he fell off!".  I love your grammatical mistakes because they remind me that you are still small, and still learning.  Yet you speak and pronunciate so well (this fact stood out to me today when you said "decrescendo" in music class).  You are beginning to spell and read some simple words, and one of your favorite games to play is to pick a letter and we say all the words we can think of that start with that letter.  Such a big boy, putting together so many complex ideas and making sense of it all.  Yet such a small boy who still struggles with printing and holding a pencil properly (you always have a tough time with those new motor skills).

Your memory astounds me for someone your age.  You know the names of familiar streets and point this out to me regularly.  I told you once the name of a girl we know who lives on Ryan Road, and now every time we are there, you remind me of this fact.  You can remember the names of every Thomas the train ever created, and you can practically recite word for word some of your favorite books.  You have known your phone number for such a long time, and even though we don't practice it very often, you always remember it when I ask you.  And yet, you forget your own middle name all the time.  I can just hear you saying "I don't know" whenever I ask you that question.  You also have difficulty "remembering" that you're not supposed to push your brother.  (I fear that has more to do with not getting what you want than a memory problem!).  Big and small, all at the same time.

This year you have loved going to Story Time at the library (LOVED story time!).  You are finally big enough to be going by yourself to the class, without me being in the room with you.  You still need an adult reading to you, though.  You love to pretend, and act out many scenarios with little conversations between trains.  You love playing your leap pad and can figure out some of the games quicker than I can, already charting graphs and solving problems.  In music class you can "read" all the beginning music notes we've learned, as well as sing and play them. Today our music teacher said you were keeping the beat on your drum to one of our songs.  Big and small, all at the same time.

You have just recently finally made the transition to having your swim lessons in the big pool at the Y.  You were too big to stay in the small pool, and too small to stay in the big pool without an adult.  It seems that in just the past month you have finally felt comfortable to stay in the big pool, but only through pretending with Papa to be a plow or an airplane.  Levi and I have been up in the big window watching you, and you look so tiny in that large pool.  Big and small, all at the same time.

You are a master deal-maker, Asher.  Every day I hear from you "I have an idea Mama, how about... does that sound like a good deal?"  You are always negotiating and compromising, giving your side of the argument, and asking for what you want.  You are too little to be that good at deal-making, Asher!

You continue to be a reserved and sensitive boy.  You don't like bouncy castles or slides.  Going to the dentist this year was an ordeal, to say the least.  New experiences leave you clammed up and glued to my side, usually saying "I don't like it!".  You want your Mama when you are scared or sad or hurting or unsure.  You may seem too big to wrestle with some of these things, but you are still too little to yet understand that taking risks is necessary for growth and development in life.  I hope I can help you to trust yourself, trust your gut, and trust God with all you do.  I hope I can also help you to learn to challenge yourself to just try something new, even if it feels scary.  Risks are necessary in life sometimes, little boy, and sometimes when you try you learn that it wasn't so scary after all.

This year you were too little to have your best friend move away, and to lose a grandparent, but both of those things happened.  Trying to explain to you the tough stuff of life in a way that you could understand was hard.  But you are smart when it comes to these things, Asher, and I believe you understand that even though we can't be with the people we love, they are always with us in our hearts.  We can call on their memories, their love for us, and their bravery when we need it and that can give us strength, love, courage.  When I ask you where Pops is, you say that he is in heaven with Jesus.  Such a small boy, already faced with such big challenges. 

One of my favorite memories from this year is the week we spent renting a trailer at a camp ground near the ocean.  The moment you saw the beach you exclaimed "Oh look Mama, it's the wonderful beach!"  You called it the "wonderful beach" all week.  I guess you didn't feel as wonderful about the first Christmas concert we went to this year, because about half way through it you fell asleep, and missed the rest of the show.  This year you also mastered peeing on the potty (finally!), dropped your afternoon nap, flew on an airplane for the first time, went inside a real train and firetruck, learned several bible memory verses by heart, went ice skating, bowling, and to a movie in the theatre for the first time, put together real Lego, and grew 2 clothes sizes. 

So Asher, while it's true that this year you have been too big for some things, and too small for others, you have still been able to have fun, experience wonder, laugh, be silly, learn, cuddle, and love; all of the important things in my mind.  And I hope you always know that no matter where you go in life, or what others think, to me you are not too big, or too small; to me you are just right.

all my love,
your Mama

Times they are a-changing

It's been so long since I've written or posted on here; I didn't know how to come back.  Or whether to come back, quite frankly.  My mind was made up about that pretty quickly when I realized that with Asher's birthday coming up this weekend, I need to write him his birthday letter like I do every year.  This blog has been such an outlet for me to capture our family's little life, including my annual letter to the boys on their birthday's.  I would be sad to not have a way to look back on our memories, even if no one ever reads this but Greg and I.

So in coming back I must say that nothing in my life has changed, yet everything has changed at the exact same time.

If you stood on the outside looking in, you would see the same girl, doing the same daily activities, in the same regular routine of things.  Everything would look pretty much like it always has.  A small house, 2 busy boys on the inside, a Mama trying her best to build them up and help them become responsible and loving young men.  A couple working to foster a healthy marriage.

But if you looked inside my heart you would see that everything has changed, and that is because my father passed away on March 13 of this year.  At 51 years old, he was too young to die.  Damn cancer.

I was able to be there for some of his last moments, and while they were so hard, they were so beautiful.  My father knew I was there, he squeezed his hand to tell me he loved me.  He opened his eyes briefly.  My step-mother, step-brother, my father's minister and I prayed for my dad, sang for my dad in some of his last hours on this earth. I spent hours by his bedside, and watched as the man who was my father, drifted slowly, slowly away. 

He left this world very early in the morning, just a few hours after I had left the hospital to crawl into bed with 2 of my 3 boys.

Grief struck.  The sting of it was painful.  I somehow stood for hours in a receiving line at his wake.  Walked down the aisle of the church at his funeral.  Covered his casket with a white blanket.  Watched as his body was driven away.  Was forced to say my final good-bye.  Cried so hard I couldn't see.  Couldn't breath.

I'm sad I don't have a father anymore.  I'm sad out of the blue when I think that I can't pick up the phone and call him.  I'm sad for a holiday to pass by and not make a card for him with Asher.  But I'm also sad for the relationship that we never had.  For the relationship my boys will never have.

Growing up away from him was very tough on me.  The lack of his presence in my life affected me in deep and profound ways, ways that led me to counseling on more than one occasion.  But he and I, we made peace with that after a letter and an honest talk years ago, when I was pregnant for Asher.  We had moved on, and were getting to know each other in a new way these past years.  It was wonderful, and I felt that the pain from the lack of his presence in my life subsided.  I had comfort in my heart.

And now he's gone.  A part of me is grieving the chance to have the relationship with my father that I only got a taste of.  I find myself wrestling with old questions that I wish I could ask him again.  And the pain from the lack of his presence in my life has swept back in.  Only this time it's permanent.

But in the midst of this turmoil and sadness, there is joy as well.  A newfound closeness with my step-mother and step-brother.  The immense out pouring of love from my family and friends.  Meaningful words from my mother.  Healing.  Hope.  A knowingness that my father is in a better place, that my father loved me.


The connectedness that I have with my father even still, even after life has finished for him, was never more evident to me than the first moment I looked in his casket.  There placed next to his head were two roses, the names of each of my boys, his only grandchildren, pinned to a rose.  This man, even though we didn't always look like the typical father-daughter duo, was my father.  He gave life to me, and in turn, I gave life to Asher and Levi.  This invisible thread of connectedness between us all was so clear to me, and it struck a note in my soul. 

I have my life because this man once lived. 

I have my loves because this man once loved. 

I have my family because this man was family.


I have such comfort in looking at this photo, taken the last time my boys saw "Pops" as he liked to be called, on his 51st birthday.  Four generations together for the last time.

"Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee;

How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee;

How great Thou art, how great Thou art"

Love you, dad.

Bad News/Good News

Update as of 7AM Jan 10...

The bad news:

Levi was up from 12:30-2:15 last night for some unknown reason.

The good news:

Yet to be determined.


***********************************************************************************

The bad news:

This weekend my family had the stomach flu and I saw more vomit than I'd ever care to see again.

The good news:

Levi never once threw up.

The bad news:

We were so exhausted and lethargic and could hardly get off the couch for days.

The good news:

I got lots and lots of cuddle time with my 3-year old boy.

The bad news:

We hardly ate a thing for 2 solid days.

The good news:

We got our appetites back!

The bad news:

I brought Asher to see "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie last week and he was scared and we had to leave the theatre with him freaking out big time.

The good news:

The movie theatre refunded my money since we never actually watched the movie.

The bad news:

The wouldn't refund my popcorn that I had already bought.

The good news:

I had movie theatre popcorn to enjoy at home.

The bad news:

Greg is working late 2 nights this week.

The good news:

My mom is coming over to do her bi-weekly babysitting night one of those evenings and I'm going to a movie with a friend.

The bad news:

My zumba instructor is away on vacation for 2 weeks.

The good news:

My sister-in-law is the substitute teacher; the class goes on!

The bad news:

It's been cold and we got some snow.

The good news:

This morning the sun was shining and there wasn't any wind at all, so the boys and I played outside in the snow for almost 2 hours.

The bad news:

Levi didn't have an afternoon nap today.

The good news:

He was not cranky at all and we were able to enjoy a visit with a friend.

I need your help...

So I need a new winter jacket this year as my old one was bought post-pregnancy and is quite big on me now.  Too big really.  I only have $80 to work with and right now at Old Navy all their jacket's are 50% off.  Score!  I went today and chose 2 that I liked and now I can't decide which one to keep.  Will you help me??

Jacket #1:



Pros:
I like that it zippers up for easy on and off, plus it has the toggle closure's that I could do up if I wanted to.
I like that it has a hood.
I like the pattern and colors (blue, black, and grey plaid).
I like the length.

Cons:
Because of the shape of the coat, I think I look really big in it.


Jacket #2:

Pros:
I like the simplicity of the color, so I can pretty it up with a fun scarf or mittens.
I think it's more classic since it's just black, and maybe I wouldn't always look like a stay at home mom in it.
I find it slimming.

Cons:
I'm not 100% crazy about the button closures.
No hood.
It's longer than any winter coat I've had before.  Not sure how I feel about that.


I would wear this jacket as an every day sort of jacket, whether that be going to the grocery store, or going to a play date.  I wouldn't wear it for playing outside in the snow with the boys; have something different for that.

What do you think?  Do you think one is more flattering or functional over the other?  Or do you think neither works and I should hold out for some after Christmas sales and see if I can get something different that fits my price range?  It is difficult to find something nice and warm for that price I'm finding.

So torn!

My birthday

I'm so thankful for my birthday - I do love that day, if you didn't already know.  I was so blessed this year!  I received...

... 3 bouquets of flowers delivered to my door

... a bottle of wine and fancy cupcakes

... spending $$

... a gift certificate to the movies, Second Cup, and Chapters

... a handmade neck warmer

... some of my favorite hand soap

... a book of poetry

... dinner at a Thai restaurant and an adventure to a local evening flashlight corn maze

... many cards, hugs, and well wishes

... a day off, during which I sat and read poetry in a coffee shop by myself, had lunch at Cora's with a friend, did some shopping, read in a park, went for a nice long walk, rearranged my closet and went to Zumba class.

... A LOT of love


31 rocks!

A letter to Levi on your 1st birthday

My little Levi, happy first birthday, sweet boy.  I am so happy to be celebrating this day with you!  I cannot believe that my baby is one years old today - how did this happen?

This year with you has been amazing!  I still remember the night you were born, and how lovely it was to get to hold and cuddle you for so long after your delivery.  The first thing I noticed about you, and the one physical characteristic that always gets my attention, is your blond curly hair.  The nurses at the hospital said that it's not very often babies are born with blond hair, but you my love, definitely were.  You are just like your Papa in this way - my two blondies.  So sweet.

You did have some challenges early on, which were really trying on us all.  About 12 hours after your birth, the nurses discovered that your blood sugars were quite low, and you had to go to the NICU (neonatal intesive care unit).  It broke my heart to see you struggling, and to not be with you when you were so small, was difficult.  Faithfully, every 3 hours your Papa and I would walk down the long hall to the NICU to feed, hold, and cuddle you.  Despite all the tears of worry during this time, each and every time I walked through those NICU doors, I couldn't help but smile.  Seeing you and being with you was the happiest time of my day; being with you is all I wanted to do.  There were 2 times a day that no parents were allowed in the NICU - an hour during each shift change - and those 2 hours were heart-breaking for me.  We would always scramble down to the NICU after shift change so we could see if anything had changed.  Your Papa got so good at knowing which cables and wires were monitoring your vitals, and what he had to do to move and unhook them so that no alarms would go off, that the nurses joked they were going to hire him.  When you were finally well enough to join us in our room, after about 3 days, we were overjoyed.

Only later did we discover that your low blood sugar at birth was likely a result of some bigger picture motor issues that you have.  It's nothing serious, and nothing a little physiotherapy won't help.  For now, you are so eager to move, and you want to so bad.  We are working on strengthening your muscles to help you get walking.  You currently move using a kind of cross between a bum scoot and a walk - the bum walk, your physiotherapist called it.  You put your feet and legs in front of you as your sitting down, and one by one you move them like you're walking so that they are pulling you forward.  You're getting pretty fast at this too!  You love to stand and walk, as long as you have something or someone to hold onto for support.  Your exercauser was your favorite place to be for months because you have enjoyed standing so much.  At your birthday party many people took turns walking with you, and every one of them commented about how fast you were and how much liked walking (as evidenced by the whines whenever someone would stop).

I would say that from the beginning, you have always been an easy baby.  You would sleep wherever I put you.  You fell into a routine almost on your own (except for those night wakings - that took a little while).  You would go with the flow, and didn't seem to get overstimulated or fussy, like many babies do.  I remember a friend commenting about how surprised she was that you would just sleep so easily in your bassinet while a handful of toddlers ran around you. 

The biggest blessing is how much of a happy baby you have been.  I clearly remember your first smile; you were 5-weeks old.  I was sitting at the counter with a friend having lunch, and you just looked up at me and gave a beautiful smile.  It was so precious that I was there holding you in that moment. And you basically haven't stopped smiling since.  You smile at anyone, for any reason.  Strangers even comment about how much you smile.  You smile so easily and your smile is so big that it takes up your whole being.  I will never forget one day at church when I was wearing you in a baby carrier.  You were on my chest and I was talking to a friend.  She looked down at you, and I commented that I knew you must be smiling at her because I felt it.  Your whole body changed with that smile, you put your whole soul into it. You smile from your heart, from a happy place, and I am in constant wonder at where that comes from.  You radiate joy, Levi, and I hope you always live life with this joyful characteristic.

One thing that makes you especially happy is your big brother Asher.  You love to watch him, and he makes you smile and laugh like no other person.  I've joked that Asher is your personal entertainer - you always seem to be having such a good time watching him.  I can't wait for you to join in on his play, I think you guys will have a lot of fun together. 

Another thing that makes you happy - and consequently unhappy when you don't have it - is food.  You are a solid boy and you love to eat.  I am constantly amazed at how much you seem to enjoy eating, and by how much you actually eat!  You make the cutest "mmmm" sound when you are eating something you really like and you out eat your big brother most days.  And you will eat practically anything.  I made you pureed baby food for months, and I used to throw together the weirdest combinations of stuff, and you always ate it.  Brussels sprouts, black beans, and tomatoes - no problem.  Pasta, peas, and avocado - good to go.  You are a good eater, Levi, and you aren't afraid to try new foods.

One funny memory that I will laugh at for years to come is your reaction to birthday cake at your first birthday party.  Based on my experiences with you and food, I expected you to gobble it up - but you surprised me.  You had just finished a big hearty lunch when we sang "happy birthday" to you, and you received the first piece of your chocolate birthday cake.  I put it in front of you and you just sort of looked at it and touched it a bit.  I gave you a couple of tastes to get you going, and you didn't really seem sure of it.  After a few tries, you did your baby sign for "all done".  I was surprised by this, and not believing that you were actually trying to tell me that you didn't want any chocolate cake, I tried another few times to give you some.  At this point you started swatting my hands away, very clearly indicating that you did not want any.  You love food, Levi, but you did not love your first taste of chocolate.  Perhaps this was just because you were full - only time will tell!

One of your absolute favorite things to play with this year has been tupperware.  I won a large basket of tupperware at a fundraiser early in the year, and I have yet to put it away.  When you are bored, or looking for something to play with, this is my sure-fire, go-to thing to give you.  You have spent many an hour playing with those plastic cups and containers, filling them up, dumping them out, rolling them around, and banging them.  You are content with the simple things in life, it seems, my boy.  Tupperware, and our newest summer find, sand, of which you tasted by the mouthful this summer. 

My sweet Levi, you have been a blessing in my life, and spending this first year with you has been a treasure.  I hope you always know that you are loved more than I could possibly express; my heart hurts because it's filled with so much love for you.  I hope you always know that I am so glad that God chose you to send to our family; I could never dream of wanting anyone different than you, my boy.  And please always know that you bring joy to my heart and a smile to my face everytime I think of you; all I have to do is close my eyes and see that smile of yours and I know, everything's gonna be alright.  We will always have each other.

With love always,
Your Mama

waves

I've often heard the expression that grieving comes in waves; you may start to feel settled in life after a loss and then a wave of grief will come and hit, seemingly out of nowhere.  That knocks you down for a bit, but then the tide retreats and you can walk upright again, until the next wave comes.  In my experience, this metaphor has been true.

And then I spent a week at the beach, and I realized just how true this saying is.  Spending a lot of time at the ocean's edge, I've observed a few things about waves this week.

Waves are really different, depending on the weather.  Stormy weather waves are altogether different than little lappy waves that tickle your toes.  Stormy waves are big and loud and sting.  They carry debris that's washed up from the ocean's deep, and crash hard against the sand.  They have a tendency of splashing up on you and soaking you in places you didn't think a wave could reach.  They can knock you over if you're not on guard.  They spray your face.  They take your breath away.

Low tide waves are so gentle and welcomed compared to high tide waves.  Low tide waves bring a serene and calming presence.  They whisper quiet in your ears, they wash off anxiety and replace it with peace.  They silence the day.  They are tender and unassuming.

High tide waves have a force behind them.  They can seem quiet and mild, but if you really stop and look you can see that they mean business.  They have a job to do, and they are busy doing it.  They bring life, and work, and fullness, and vastness.  They are great and have presence.

And standing at the water line, this week I was surprised at just how big of an impact even the smallest wave can have.  The sand from under your feet is washed away and pushed around with each and every wave.  So much so that just the tiniest baby of a wave can make you stumble, and throw you off balance, causing you to chase and work to regain your composure.  Walking at the water line with waves washing over your feet is the hardest place to walk.  It's hard to live at that line, it's hard to do anything but just stand up and keep going forward.  I decided that I didn't like walking at the water line; it's much easier to walk when you're knee deep in the water than when the water is just wetting your toes.

This has spoken volumes to me about grieving.  To say that grief comes in waves is an understatement; there are so many different kinds of waves, and grief can be like all of them.

I needed to think about this this week, because I am grieving.  Grieving for things I have lost, some recent, and some a long time ago.  Grieving for things I never actually had.  Grieving for things I may never have.  Grieving for things I know I'm about to lose.

Being at the ocean this week has encouraged me to not just stand at the waters edge when those waves of grief come, but rather to walk right in the water and live there for a while.  Trying to fight the waves when they're there, no matter what type of wave it is, is just too much work.  No matter how big or small, strong or mild those waves of grief can sometimes be, each one has brought cleansing, release, and healing. My lessons is to remember to continue to embrace them when they come.

I want to say something...

... but I don't really know what.  My life really is more than the Wordless Wednesday's and Thankful Thursday's that you see.  It's a lot more.

A lot more chaos.  A lot more drama.  A lot more laughter.  A lot more tears.  A lot more hardship.  A lot more love.  A lot more busy.  A lot more boring.

The past 2 nights we kept Asher's door open overnight to let the air in the house circulate to cool his room down.  His door is normally shut.  In the morning he has ran into my room, climbed up on the bed with me, and cuddled, talked, and jumped as I woke up.  I love it, and don't, all at the same time.

I only have 3 weeks left of caring for Marek and Milah on Tuesday's and Thursday's before they move to the other side of the country.  I am sad about this.  I haven't talked much to Asher about it yet, but I know I need to start that conversation soon.

My dad is not doing well, cancer wise.  This sucks and scares me.

Being married is just plain hard sometimes.  It doesn't seem like this for everyone.  Is it?  Everyday I have to choose to respond out of love, even when I don't want to.  Somedays this is easy to do and somedays it is not. 

I need a haircut.

We are going to see the new Cars 2 movie in theatre on Saturday.  I can't wait to do this with Asher.  It'll be his first time.

I miss my friends.  Those that are close that I don't get to see as often as I'd like, and those that are far that I definitely don't get to see as often as I'd like.

My mom is great.  Really, really great.

I started taking a yoga class.  My instructor is a middle aged lady with a cute British accent.  I like listening to her.

We moved the toy room upstairs on the main level and the adult furniture and book shelves downstairs in the basement.  I am really happy about this decision.

Asher is having bowel issues and is now on a daily stool softener.

I need to start exercising more regularly.

We are renting a camping trailer for one week in August at a camp ground near a beach.  I can't wait for this.

I am taking a university course this summer.  I'm nervous about the workload.


I guess that's everything I wanted to say... thanks for listening!

A letter to my son on his 3rd birthday

Asher, yesterday you turned 3 years old!  Wow!  Hard to believe that I've been blessed with 3 glorious years already with you.  It's been such a wonderful journey.

This year is definitely the year you became a boy!  A real playing in the mud, jumping in puddles, running and chasing, rough and tumble little guy.  For your girly girl mother, this has been a year of growth for me too.  I'm still learning how to wrestle - something you are really starting to get into - but for some reason, even I have fun splashing in puddles when it's with you!  A few weeks ago when we were playing outside, the snow was melting leaving puddles everywhere, and you played with a stick and shovel in the puddles for a whole hour straight without stopping for a minute.  You love this kind of play.  Chasing with your friends - especially Marek, Maaike and Josiah - is a regular part of your play routine.  I love watching the boy in you emerge!

You continue to love cars, trucks, tractors, and trains but this year you started a love affair with Lightening McQueen from Disney's Cars movie.  The characters from that movie are either; on your t-shirt or pull-up, a toy or puzzle in your hand, on the book we're reading, or a part of our conversation.  I can't tell you how many times you've watched the movie - and you still don't tire of it.  We will take you to the movie theatre for the first time this summer when Cars 2 comes out - I can't wait to see the look on your face.

You also began a fascination with jigsaw puzzles this year.  You started out with 4 and 6 piece puzzles, and quickly moved from there to 12 and 24 pieces.  You would do a puzzle over, and over, and over again until you knew exactly where each piece went.  You became so good at putting them together.  You are now mastering 48 piece puzzles, and love the challenge of it.  You will work for quite a length of time on a puzzle, and then once you have it completed, you will usually very quickly take it all apart and start putting it back together again.  I'm glad you like the work involved in such tasks, and take your time to figure it out.  You are meticulous Asher, a trait you come by honestly.  Last week when you were at your swimming lesson, your teacher asked you to put the boat and ring away.  Being the little boy that you are, the boat and ring had to go in just the right spot - with the other boats and rings.  Your Papa looked at me when you did that, saying "he gets that from you!".

Speaking of swimming, we have continued lessons all year this year.  You are still in the small pool, but have started doing so much this year.  You can do back floats and front floats with help.  You mastered back glides in an instant and enjoy doing these!  Blowing bubbles has been fun, but teaching you to try to do bobs (where you dunk yourself under water) took a little convincing.  You are learning, but it's not your favorite thing to do just yet.  Soon we will move up to the big pool now that you are 3, and there may be some hurdles to cross as you get comfortable and adjust, but we will learn to have fun there too.  Each week when we visit the big pool, you are reserved and a bit scared in there, but always remember little boy, I promise I won't let you go until you're ready.

Some major changes happened this year in your life, as you can see here:


You became a big brother and started potty training!  Such big changes - no wonder it's taken you some time to figure this out.  You love your little brother Levi so much.  Although at first this transition was a bit tough, and there was some hitting involved, you have come to be the one little boy who can make your baby brother laugh like no one else can.  It's beautiful to see.  You always ask "Mama, where's Levi?" and comment "Mama, Levi's really sad, can you fix it?".  Lately, as you copy me, you have started to give Levi the words to objects in a way he can grasp - as you hold up a block to him, you'll say "Block.  Block, Levi, block".  It's very sweet.  I am so proud of you for loving Levi the way you do, for learning how to be gentle, and for remember to have fun together.

This year you started potty training around October/November -  and, well, it's April and it's still a work in progress.  This has been one of the biggest challenges so far in your little life - figuring out how to control this process.  In typical Asher fashion, we take 2 steps forward, and then 1 step back.  It's been frustrating for both of us at times, but I like to think that through this process we are both learning some big lessons.  In your life, Asher, when you are struggling with something, like you're struggling with this now, I hope you will remember to keep trying; hard work is sometimes required in challenging moments, but persistence will pay off.  And I also hope you know that it's OK to struggle, it's OK to not get something right away, and it's OK if everyone else is doing it and you're not.  Be gracious with yourself - you are learning and it's OK for that to take time.  Some things just come easier than others.

Speaking of somethings coming easier,  the other day your Aunt Ange - who works daily with speech therapists - said, "Wow, Asher can say the "th" sound - that usually only comes closer to age 4".  You've always been a good talker, Asher, that has been your strength.  And this year, you have come to say many, many sweet things that I will not forget, "I love you" being my all time favorite.  At bedtime as we pray together, you often say your own little prayers, often for your friends; "Thank you God for Maaike/Marek/Josiah/Roxy...".  My eyes fill up with tears each time I hear you express thankfulness for the people in your life.  Currently when I put you to bed, we have a little rant that we say to each other.  I say "Good night Asher", and you echo "good night".  I say "Sweet dreams", "I love you", and "I'll come check on you later", and you echo each one in turn.  It makes me smile every night. 

You can sing many, many songs on your own now, and the music from "Amy's class" - Kindermusik - is what you ask for every time we are in the car.  You can remember the lines to songs that we haven't sang in months.  The other day I said to you "The carpenter's hammer goes rap, rap, rap" and you finished "and his saw goes see, saw, see.  He hammers, and hammers, and saws and saws as he builds a house for me".  You ask me to sing "The Lord loves me" every night, and often join in singing with me.  You have learned several bible memory verses, and hearing them to song has helped with this.  You can now sing Philippians 4:6-7 and say John 3:16 on your own.  You know many of the lines in your favorite books, and if I leave a line out, you will say it for me.  Your Papa and I often play little games like this with you as we read books.  Your memory is impeccable.  You can now "read" some of your favorite books on your own because you've memorized them, "Does a Kangaroo have a Mother too?" being the most recent one.  You still love the Llama books, and the Wombat books, and anything to do with McQueen or Thomas the train.

In addition, this year you've continued to suck your thumb at bedtime and when you're upset or tired, moved into a big boy bed, visited the dentist for the first time, began learning how to dress yourself, enjoyed playing with stickers and trains and cars and tunnels, learned to recognize all of the letters of the alphabet - including knowing the sounds that most of them make - and started going to preschool 2 mornings a week (Roxy's school, as you say).  You continue to be slow to warm up to new situations - my reserved boy - but let it all out once your settled and comfortable.

I love you so much, sweet Asher.  Age 2 has been so fun, and such a year of growth.  I'm so happy to get to stay home and experience much of that with you.  I can't wait to see what age 3 will bring.  As long as I'm with you, I know we'll have a blast.  And always remember little boy, I promise I won't let you go until you're ready.

Love,
your Mama

24 hours...

... is exactly how long I was gone on my "vacation" for. During that time I...


... travelled through a brutal storm and did some slip-slidding in my car on a side street to get to my B&B.

... watched 2 chick flicks, You Again and Back-up Plan.

... had one embarrassing moment where other B&B guests overheard a sex scene in aforementioned chick flick and was rather mortified.

... laid around and didn't move.

... slept THROUGH the night, woke up in the morning, pumped, read, and WENT BACK to sleep.

... had a bubble bath in a double whirlpool tub.

... read, and NOT about potty training, sleep training, or child development.

... had room service.

... texted with my husband too much (it was hard to entirely disconnect). Thankfully he spared me the full details of all the challenges so I wouldn't worry.

... didn't have to change a diaper, clean up a pee accident, wipe any one's nose, pick up a toy, get up in the middle of the night, or answer any one's demands. DREAM!

... got my hair cut.

... felt relaxed.

... came home to 3 boys who were very happy to see me.

... upon returning home heard out of Asher's mouth "Mama you were on vacation and you came back!", and out of Greg's mouth "That was friggin' hard, I don't know how you do it!". Both of those comments were music to my ears!

... missed my family like crazy.

... was glad to have some much needed time to myself, and was reminded that this is important for my well-being as a person and as a mother.

... returned a happier, and more patient person.


Thank you to my family for giving me this amazing treat - so when can we book the next one? :)

Unfiltered

I feel like in my heart there are words that want to come out, but I don't know what they are, or how to find them. I don't know how to be much more than a mom and a housekeeper these days, it seems.

What I do want to say is that life has been tough these days, in my own little world. There are cracks forming in parts of my life that were smooth and comfortable. I don't like this.

I am not always the mom I want to be. I lose my patience, I raise my voice, I am short-tempered, I tune-out, I am frustrated, and I respond out of that place. Things that I thought I knew, I all of a sudden don't. The job of mothering is so much harder than I ever knew possible. It takes all of me, and then still requires more, even when I don't have it to give. I somehow have to dig energy and care and infinite patience out of somewhere and put my best face on. These kids deserve it, but I don't always have it.

In my spirit I am struggling big time with envy. It's breaking me. Envy over how quickly and early some other kids seem to potty train and crawl and sleep through the night. Envy over things that other people have that I think I need. Envy over relationships, time, money, looks, trips, houses ... the list goes on. My pastors sermon message this week on entitlement really hit home - I know this is an issue for me. I'm trying to be thankful and grateful and keep in perspective all the blessings I do have, but envy is still living inside of me. I try to keep it under control, but it's cracking through the exterior.

I'm tired. I have bad days. This is one of them.

I'm such a mom...

... I wipe my kids face with my saliva-soaked finger when in need

... I will pick a booger out of their noses if it's not easily reachable with a tissue

... discussing the color and consistency of the babes poop is a regular topic of conversation between my husband and I

... I cannot go to bed at night until I have checked in on both boys

... I wear jogging pants out of the house with no shame (they're clean!)

... and the ultimate reason that I am that mom, I just ate my sons toast crust for breakfast. Yes, his toast crust. That was my breakfast. This is a new high (low?)

In the past few days I have noticed...

... Asher has good days, and bad days, and sometimes there's just no rhyme or reason

... Asher is just reserved and slow to warm up to new things. New swimming lesson was a disaster

... when I see Asher through other people's eyes, I'm surprised by what I notice about him

... 2 year olds tire me out, mentally and physically

... I'm not looking forward to Asher starting preschool tomorrow. This will be a tough transition for me (geez, I wonder where Asher gets it from!)

... I'm having a hard time letting go of some of the activities that have become our life

... I can put off a 2 hour job for weeks. It's really quite a talent

... Levi will be starting solids in the next 6-7 weeks!

... I really miss sleeping through the night

... showering at night makes my mornings so much less hectic

... change scares me

... I want to hold close those who are dear and don't like letting go or saying good-bye

... life at home with 2 by myself during the day is not as difficult as I anticipated it would be

... I'm thankful for my friends

Today I am grateful for...

... a bit of a sleep in this morning while Asher spent the night at my parents.


... little Levi cuddled up and resting peacefully on my chest.


... Asher excitedly running to give me a hug when he came home this morning.


... my breast pump (that = freedom for me!)


... a shopping trip to the mall with my mom.


... my birthday money which allowed me to get a great deal on a chic fall jacket and new socks.


... the gift of time that my husband gave me when he texted from home "we're doing fine here, take as long as you need and make the most of it".


... the fact that my husband said this even though things weren't totally fine at home.


... that Asher ate all his vegetables at supper.


... mint Aero chocolate bars.


... Asher's list of thank you's to God at bedtime.


... our new Jesus lullaby song to sing to my boys (thank you to my small group leader!).


... that I get to refer to Asher and Levi as my boys - I love that!


... movie night with a girlfriend.


... friendships.


... the bottle of red-wine that awaits me.

At 30 I have learned about myself...

... I lose patience quickly, and tend to notice this flaw in others.


... I have a love/hate relationship with my hair.


... I prefer salty and crunchy over sweet, unless it's ice cream or cheese cake.


... I'm an 8-hour a night kind of sleeper.


... I love being a mother.


... being a mother is MUCH harder than I ever thought it would be.


... I value my own mother much more than I ever knew I could.


... my faith is my cornerstone, but I struggle to live this out in real life.


... a shower everyday makes me feel human.


... I want to eat healthy, but I don't want to put a lot of effort into cooking.


... I second guesses many choices I have made.


... I struggle to like the reflection I see in the mirror.


... running makes me happy. Literally.


... I need alone time like I need air.


... I often mistake time out of my house, away from my family, and with friends as alone time. It is not.


... I long for intimate one-on-one relationships.


... I believe that loving others is the most important thing in life, but I tend to forget this.


... I'm much too hard on my husband.


... folding laundry is the one chore I actually like.


... I'm quite anal about certain things in my life, namely that objects and articles are put in their place in my home, even if that place doesn't make sense.


... I struggle with envy. A lot.


... there is still so much I want to do in life: learn how to take good photos, bake, run a marathon, dance again.


... I can put off the simplest tasks for way longer than I'd like to admit.


... I can hold a grudge.


... I can be selfish and judgemental.


... I still believe in the infinite possibilities and goodness in people.


... gratefulness is a virtue I need to practice.


... reading and writing are just something I need to do.


... the longing I have to travel will have to be satisfied.


... I worry too much over things that don't matter.


... I forget to see the big picture sometimes.


... I should trust my gut more often.


... I believe in the power of prayer.


... I think God's reasoning is complicated, and I hate not knowing the "why" behind His choices.


... I trust God's goodness, and this fuels my faith and gives me hope.


... I struggle to express my emotions, even though I feel them so strongly.


... I like a nice glass of wine.


... I appreciate the wisdom of older people.


... I will always miss my grandfathers.


... I am changing constantly, but I am always still me.

I'm 30!

And this year for my birthday I got...

... a cold

... a full nights sleep (THANK YOU MOM! This was by far one of the best gifts you could have given us!)

... lots of cards, emails, phone calls, and gifts from family and friends (even homemade fudge - yum!)

... supper cooked for me (nice effort, dear!)

... a really good haircut, which I went back to have one small spot touched up, and that led to a really bad haircut (I'm bringing the mushroom cut back apparently)

... a mini crisis about my body/look/image/style (a sacrifice I make as a stay-at-home-mom, happily, but sometimes it gets to me)

... a new pair of jeans (that fit NOW)

... a ladies night out on the town

... 4 blisters on my feet

... good food, good company, good friends, dancing, too many martini's, and way too much fun

... a reputation as a fugitive (by skipping out on the cover charges at bars with my partner in crime)

... a mini hangover

... a blocked milk duct (not fun!)

... 2 bouquets of flowers

... skor cheesecake birthday cake

... a 3 in front of my age!

Thanks for all the love, support, and care many of you have given me during the big 3-0 celebration. It has meant the world to me!

What made me laugh and cry today...

... because all of these things are so true!





A good friend of mine sent this link to me, and it was exactly what I needed to read today.



I thought if I could go back and tell myself something right before I had kids it would be this:

Nothing is as bad as it first seems once you have time and sleep on your side. It will get better.

Remember to have fun. It's not all about the schedule.

This will be hard on your marriage, but if you work together, it will grow in ways that weren't possible otherwise.

There can never be too much love.



Fellow mothers, what would you say? What do you wish you had known?

Wet

Pee. Mustard colored poops. Spit-up. Breast milk. Leaky eyes.

These first few weeks of mothering my second newborn have been wet. Plenty wet. Breast milk splashes on faces and fingers and floors. Spit-up on shoulders and sheets. Burps and diaper blow outs galore. We are always covered in wet spots of some sort, me and my youngest boy.

Drool. Diaper rashes. Tantrums. Sloppy kisses.

The 2-year old is wet too. Molars pushing through, emotions bursting out. Uncontainable. All that he is, all that he is becoming, all that he is trying to figure out - it spills out and we are left to sort through it and try to put him back together again. He amazes me and worries me and makes me laugh and makes me cry and tires me out.

Washing machines. Dishwashers. Brooms and mops.

4 people living in one house 24/7 leads to a lot more dirty everything. I forgot how much laundry there would be; a new receiving blanket 500 times a day. Grass stained jeans to scrub. Crumbs to sweep up and toys to pick up and mouths to feed. The to do list never ends.

Night sweats. Hormones. Tears.

I'm so easily set off, I'm hormonal. I wake up, shivering and sweaty, to a crying baby in the middle of dark nights. He cries, I cry. I forgot how many tears of sorrow and frustration and sadness there would be. I forgot how much work figuring it all out would take. And joy. I forgot what crying for joy feels like. Crying for the pure love of another soul. Overtaken. Love spilling out. I forgot about this, until, through all this wetness, they reminded me.

creamy dill

I just ate way too many of my favorite chips, creamy dill, and it's the middle of the afternoon. I wonder if it's because...

... these chips are darn good

... I saw a chip commercial while catching up on Big Brother

... I'm nursing, and starving

... I'm bored

... I'm tired

... I'm drained

... I'm hormonal

... I'm grieving

... I'm frustrated

... I'm concerned

... I'm worried

... I'm missing certain people

... I'm second guessing some choices

... I'm postpartum and all over the map emotionally

I'm going with a little bit of all of that. Today is just one of those days.

(Just as a note, this has nothing to do at all with questioning our decision to have Levi. I love him dearly and wouldn't change this for the world. There's a lot going on in life in general, and I just wanted to be extra, extra clear that this is not about him)

My voice...

... audibly is very high pitched and sounds much too young for my age


... internally speaks more wisdom than anyone would ever know


... is so loud that sometimes I can't even hear myself think


... is so quiet that sometimes I can't even hear its' sound in the midst of my life


... is so powerful that I do not feel I fully understand what it is capable of


... is so weak that sometimes I am ashamed at it's lack of courage


... is so foreign that sometimes I don't even recognize it


... is so familiar that it has become background noise


... is motherly, yet needs mothering; is kind, yet judgemental; is patient, yet quick to anger; is big, yet so small; is wise, yet has so much to learn; initiates change, yet is so complacent; easily complains, yet is full of gratitude...


What is my voice?

How do I find it when I need it most?

What does it say when I let it speak?

What does this say about me, and who I am?

How does it define me?

Where is the room for the Still Small Voice that I need to hear in the midst of all that?